How to Pay a Shiva Call: A Guide for Non-Jews
June 9th, 2010 by Leora
Longer title:
How to Pay a Shiva Call: A Guide for non-Jews, non-observant Jews, Jews who need to brush up on the tradition of shiva, and people who find the idea of comforting a mourner a bit scary
I wrote this short guide to paying a shiva call for anyone who wants to visit a friend who is sitting shiva but has no idea what to expect. So this might be for someone who is not Jewish or someone who is Jewish but doesn’t know the traditions. We can all learn more to comfort a mourner, and we can help each other learn as well.
What is shiva? For whom does a Jewish person sit shiva?
Rabbi Maurice Lamm describes shiva as “the seven days following burial … During this time, the mourner emerges from the stage of intense grief to a new state of mind in which he is prepared to talk about his loss and to accept comfort from friends and neighbors.” One sits shiva for a mother, father, sister, brother, son, daughter, husband or wife.
How long is shiva? How can I find out how long my friend is sitting shiva?
Shiva usually lasts for seven days starting from right after the burial, but a holiday can shorten the period of shiva. Mourners do not sit shiva on the Sabbath; however, certain mourning laws still do apply. You should be able to find out the details of the shiva (where and when) by contacting your friend’s synagogue.
What do I do when I get to the door?
Often the door to a shiva home will be unlocked (unless this is impossible for security reasons). Walk in the door, find the room with the mourner(s), and take a seat on an empty chair. The short, close to the ground chairs are for the mourners.
How will my friend look?
Your friend will be wearing clothes with a rip. This is called kriah. A mourner rips one’s clothes at the beginning of the funeral. And the same clothing is worn for the seven days of shiva. Also, your friend will probably not have taken a shower during shiva as well (exceptions sometimes apply).
What do I say?
Listen carefully to what is being said. Let the mourner speak first. One does not ask the mourner, “how are you?” It is OK to encourage the mourner to talk about the deceased relative. You might ask the mourner to show you a picture of their loved one.
Should I bring food?
The short answer is no. If you want to bring something or otherwise help out, ask a friend, a family member not in mourning, a neighbor, or the rabbi if you happen to meet him. If your mourning friend specifically asks you for something, by all means, help out.
How long should I stay?
Some of the books I read suggested twenty minutes. I find it is easiest to leave when there is a break in the conversation.
What is the line I hear people saying to the mourner at the end?
At the end of a shiva call, visitors say to the mourner: “HaMakom yenacheim etchem betoch sha’ar aveiliei Tzion v’Yerushalayim” — May the Almighty comfort you among those who mourn for Zion and Jerusalem.
My suggestion, unless you feel comfortable saying the above expression (sometimes it is written on a piece of paper behind the mourner), is to say something like, May you find comfort. You may also hear people add: simchas, which means happy times (like a wedding or a birth).
Why is there a candle on this post?
The candle is called a yahrzeit candle. Every year on the anniversary of a parent’s death, one lights such a candle. In a shiva house, a longer candle that can burn for seven days is lit.
Comment: this post is written from an Orthodox (modern Orthodox?) perspective. Jewish traditions do vary. Feel free to comment on your experiences with shiva.
For more information:
- Aish: one page primer on Practical Guide to Paying a Shiva Call
- Aish: 15 Lessons from Shiva
- Aish: Shiva and Mourning by Rabbi Maurice Lamm
Books and pamphlets:
- The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning, by Rabbi Maurice Lamm
- The Mourner’s Companion by Rabbi Reuven Drucker (this seems to be out-of-print, but he is a rabbi in Highland Park, so I want to include his book).
- Handbook for the Jewish Mourner, by Rabbi Bernhard Rosenberg (available at the Highland Park Public Library)
- See also chapters on mourning in To Be a Jew by Hayim Halevy Donin and How to Run a Traditional Jewish Household by Blu Greenberg
Future posts on shiva may include: what to discuss at a shiva call. How to run or help out with a shiva house.
Very complete! Thanks for sharing these excellent tips.
May we have only smachot, besurot tovot, yeshu’ot, and nechamot (joyous occasions, good tidings, salvation, and consolation).
This is a great short guide: you have neither written too much nor too little on the subject.
It is OK to encourage the mourner to talk about the deceased relative.
When I was in high school a schoolmate lost her mother and when she came to school we thougt it would be wrong to talk to her about her mom – maybe we feared she might burst into tears and feel embarrassed. But her loss was precisely what she wanted to talk about.
“her loss was precisely what she wanted to talk about” -
Sometimes one finds all the rules in Judaism to be too rigid. During shiva, however, one often finds these rules to be useful and therapeutic.
If you were only in high school, loss can be very scary. Few high school students have really experienced intense loss. Loss, illness and death can make any of us feel vulnerable.
During shiva, however, one often finds these rules to be useful and therapeutic.
To quote Rabbi Lamm “The profound psychological insights implicit in the highly structured Jewish mourning observances speak eloquently of Judaism’s concern for the psychological integrity of the human personality.”
What an excellent and informative post, with much consideration for those who have lost a loved one, and for those who want to pay respects.
A very thorough post.
If I can add a couple of points: re: how long shiva lasts: increasingly in non-Orthodox and even less observant Orthodox circles, people choose to sit shiva for less than a week, even one night. This is not halakhically acceptable, but happens in the real world, so unless you know the people sitting are Orthodox, it might be a good idea to check how long they are sitting.
Re: what to say when leaving: some people say “chaim arukhim” “I wish you a long life,” in addition to or instead of “HaMakom…”
One final point: use your common sense. If the mourners look like they need a break, don’t stay long. When my mother was sitting shiva, one visitor sat there saying “You look really tired. I bet you want a nap,” but didn’t actually think to leave. Another visitor refused to take the hint even when it got so late that we had to give the mourners their dinner. Then when my father was sitting shiva earlier this year, one visitor, who was standing in local government elections a few days later, started talking politics in a really inappropriate way.
Thanks for those additional comments, Daniel.
Great post. Shiva is more like six plus days, because you get up the seventh morning.
What a coincidence, I recently wrote Different “Shiva,” Jewish Mourning Customs, because I had to pay a shiva call.
Good point about the 6+ days.
I will check out your post…
A very informative post – thank you for writing this! I pray that it will be a long time before I need the information in this post.
Pingback: Weekly Review with Seafront « Ilana-Davita
Pingback: Jew Wishes Re: Book Reviews and Elsewhere Views « Jew Wishes
I very much enjoyed reading this post, Leora. Shiva is a beautiful custom, one which could benefit all peoples’ emotional and psychological health, I think.
Thank you for reading. I really do think shiva is beneficial in dealing with grief, and sometimes even as a visitor it can help one work through past loss. Even if all you are doing is visiting someone else and consoling that person.
this was really helpful. you gave a perfect amount of info to be used as a “go-to” *respectful* guide. thanks!
Thank you. As a few of my blogger friends may know, I had others give help and ideas in writing this post. I hope to write a few more on this topic.
Sometimes, because of holiday, the shiva is cut short or barely happens and it’s extremely hard on the mourners.
Pingback: Interesting Links #7: Shiva, Breastfeeding, and Emanuel Update
My ex brother in law lost his daughter. They are Orthodox Jewish and I am not. Is that ok to call them during shiva, and when is appropriet to send them a sympathy kosher basket? ? I leave out of state and can not make the trip to see them.
Thank you so much
Jacqueline
How awful, to lose a daughter. Yes, you can call during shiva. Just try to time it so your call is not at meal time. I would suggest calling mid-morning or mid-afternoon. About the conversation: one usually lets the mourner do most of the talking. Since it’s on the phone, you may need to say: “I’m so sorry about your loss.” But let the mourner lead the conversation.
Yes, you can send a kosher sympathy basket.
Thank you Leora!
Thank you very much Leora,
The information was just enough to understand.
I am paying a Shiva call on Sun. and I was not really sure what to expect,, and your article really helped.
Thank you so much.
Yours truly,
Donna
Donna,
I’m sorry you have to make a shiva call. But fortunate for the people sitting shiva to have you as a friend. Feel free to ask any questions if you have any.