This shot was taken from the top of the Washington Monument, looking down on the museum. There is an exhibit in the museum called “The Story of Daniel.” It is billed as being for children; I walked through it before I took my eight-year-old daughter, and I thought, this isn’t that scary. However, when I took my daughter, I felt differently. I could feel her fear and discomfort. She said she liked one of the early parts of the exhibit, a scene that showed a kitchen where Daniel, his sister and his mother baked cookies and a fancy cake, to be her favorite part. Perhaps because life was still normal for Daniel. His sister and mother were later killed at Auschwitz. The exhibit showed how bit by bit he was no longer allowed to swim in the municipal pool or even play in the park because he was a Jew. “Did you ever get blamed for something you didn’t do?” the exhibit asked. “We were.”

The exhibit showed little of the concentration camp; it mostly said it was horrible, horrible. One woman asked her friend how did the men (Daniel and his father survived Auschwitz) survive if the women did not? I offered that perhaps the men were taken to work, whereas the women were taken immediately to the crematorium. It was interesting to engage others that I had just met in a discussion. One mentioned the movie “Life is Beautiful,” and I suggested “Schindler’s List.”

As this wall states, everyone who comes to the museum can be a witness to the atrocity and tragedy of the Holocaust.

I would have liked to have seen this exhibit or presentation: “From Memory to Action: Meeting the Challenge of Genocide.” The museum staff, however, said that presentation was not happening the day of our visit. We also saw an exhibit on Nazi propaganda. A woman said to one of the museum staffers: “Don’t you think we live in an age of propaganda?” I am not sure what she meant, but I think we live in an age of information overload. What do you think?

If you are interested in kosher food in Washington, D.C., there are four packaged foods at the Holocaust cafe: tuna on a white roll, sesame noodles, salad, and beans and brown rice in a wrap. I thought the beans/rice in wrap delicious, the sesame noodles tasty, and my middle son was willing to eat the roll of the tuna sandwich (my husband ate the tuna). My eldest son refused all the food. He preferred Eli’s Restaurant.

We did not get a chance to see all the exhibits at the museum; I thought my daughter had had enough, and my eldest son was hungry. So we will have to see more on a future visit. If you have been to the museum, I would love to hear your feedback on what you found effective and well-presented.

See more of my Rosh Hashana posts, including my list of the simanim. Still planning to redo the list in a prettier format.

If you are looking for recipes, here is my chicken soup recipe, which will happily take a leek. Feel free to post a link to a leek recipe in the comments.

Happy Mugs at Lazy Bean Cafe in Teaneck, New Jersey

As a reminder, the next JPIX, Jewish Photo Blogger’s Carnival, will be hosted by Toby Who Wishes She Were a Photographer. Please submit your posts by Thursday, August 19. Thank you.

More stories from the prophets: Archaelogical Dig at Tel Dan in northern Israel, Where Jeroboam built a cult as an alternative to the Temple in Jerusalem

For more on this story of Rehoboam, read A Divided Nation on the Aish website or Kings Chapter 12 (Melachim Bet).

How was this related to last week’s parsha? We learned about the law of jealousy in the ten commandments, and from there, my husband told the story of jealous Jezebel, and then there were more stories from the Prophets…

The main character is the author’s father, Leon Lagnado. He is the man in the white sharkskin suit, always dressed up and ready to do business, gamble or party. However, in the later part of his life, he must change his ways, and this sad second half of his life is portrayed with love and empathy by his daughter. One can easily find the younger Leon an unlikable man – he is arrogant, cheats on his wife, gambles and stays out late. When Lucette or Lou Lou, as she is affectionately called, is born, one notices how he pours all his affection into this little girl. Later, a fall changes his life forever.

The family lives in a beautiful home in Cairo that they must leave after the fall of King Farouk and the rise of Nasser. Some of their relatives travel to Israel, where life is harsh, and it is difficult to make a living. The Lagnado family moves temporarily to Paris and then on to New York City, where the children adjust to life in America, but the parents never really do.

Some of the themes in the book are Judaism, culture shock, women’s issues, illness, and family relationships. Indeed, Judaism and women’s issues are intertwined, as Leon goes every day to the synagogue and the women maintain the home. One of the difficulties we (my husband and I) had with the book was how can a man consider himself a religious Jew if he cheats on his wife and gambles? The ethics are different than those of our own. At one point, the mother tells the daughter, don’t marry a Syrian (Leon’s family is originally from Syria); the implication being a Syrian man would not be good to his wife. However, other relationships described in the book are not as harsh, so I suspect Leon and his wife Edith had a particularly poor relationship. It seems like Lou Lou, the author of the book, is the main tie that holds them together.

The issue of the role of a woman arises again as the mother, Edith, applies for a job in New York City with a top publisher. Due to her classical education and brains, she surprisingly gets the job. However, she doesn’t take it, as she can’t see herself in the main role of breadwinner for the family. Later she takes a less taxing job in a library, one that feels more comfortable to her. For many years the family is supported by the older son (who is only in his early twenties at the time).

America teaches Lucette about the different kinds of Jews there are in this world. Before Passover, she spends many hours with her mother cleaning the rice so no grains should be mixed in. In America, she learns that many of her Jewish friends (those originally from European countries) would never eat rice on Passover. Still others do not follow the Passover laws at all. She is also the only woman in her family to receive some Jewish education. In the U.S. the leaders of her community realize that even though they did not educate women in the old country, in America where assimilation is so strong, it is important for girls to learn so they can pass on the traditions to their children. This reminds me a bit of my grandmother’s description of life in Russia – they would send the boys to yeshiva and the girls to what was called gymnasia where they learned French and science, so the girls then didn’t want to marry the boys because they had little in common.

Lucette comments on what the Jews from Cairo who resettle in New York manage to save of their community: the synagogues and the food. She finds there is so much that is missing, that cannot be saved. Some of it she views again when she revisits Cairo, but the new Cairo has no Jewish community. A pastry shop called Groppi’s still exists, but only in name. Gone are the famous pastries and elegantly dressed people she remembers from her childhood. When she first came to New York, she was in awe of the white bread. Her father tells her that isn’t bread, and he finds some pita to purchase, as to him, that is bread.

One notices similarities between this book and Ariel Sabar’s My Father’s Paradise. In both stories, the families are forced to leave Arab countries after living there for many generations. In both, description of the resettling in Israel in the 1950′s is stark: people do not treat each other well, and Lucette’s maternal grandmother, instead of receiving pity, is the object of derision. But the dysfunctional family theme is much, much stronger in Lagnado’s book.

If you like this review, you may also want to read Jew Wishes’ review of this book.

How does it get decided in your community who will set up a shiva house?  Food, chairs, mirrors?
Generally the family’s close friends come in a “take charge” when they hear that the entire family is sitting shiva.  Unfortunately, we’ve had quite a few cases due to murderous terror attacks, or death of a parent or child from illness or accident.  When a non-shiva sitting relative comes to help, they generally thankfully accept the community’s help and work together.
In those cases when the entire family is sitting, we make up two sets of “help” charts, meals for the mourners and “shifts” so a person (or two) to be there at all times, from early in the morning until bedtime.

In our community, a chesed committee affiliated with the shul often helps with arranging the shiva.  Does it work differently in different communities in Israel?
I only know what happens here in Shiloh, but my guess is that most communities do something similar, sometimes more and sometimes less.  When the son of a friend in Jerusalem was killed in an accident, I got the impression that their friends were helping out, just the way we do.

In Israel, shuls aren’t always as community minded as abroad.  Each shul and community are different.  Here our shuls are neighborhood and “eidah,” like Ashkenaz or Yemenite, while friendships are more across the board. Some north African Jews serve festive meals through the shiva or just the last night (Leora’s note: we went to a shiva recently in Highland Park of Jews originally from north Africa where a festive meal was served on the last night), and that community helps each other more with the special foods. 

What kind of difficult situations have you come across in trying to help out with shiva?
“difficult?”  I’ve never sat shiva, so I don’t know what it’s like to be on that side.  May my parents live to a 120, the same for my husband and children.  Helping mourners must certainly be less “difficult” than being one, but…

I’m the type who isn’t comfortable doing anything in someone else’s kitchen, but when helping in a mourner’s home, that’s what I have to do.  Since my kids are grown, I’ve taken “early shift” many times and frequently I have “first morning.”  After the unpleasant sampling salt when looking for sugar and being terrified of traifing (making non-kosher) up someone’s kitchen, the first thing I do is look for someone who isn’t of the shiva but close to the family and we try to label the kitchen.  I once cut out “meat” and “dairy” out of contac paper and pasted the labels on each side of the kitchen cabinets.  If a stranger ever has to help, at least there are easy clues.

A mourning youngster who can’t sit still, under Bar/Bat Mitzvah but old enough to know the kitchen is sometimes perfect for helping with the labeling. 
 
Generally mourners have a few hours or even a couple of days between notification and burial.  You can check with a rabbi, but labeling the kitchen may be just the task for someone in hyper-mode desperate for something to do.  Another, very different, advice for the mourner is make sure that the clothing you’ll be wearing for “kriya,” ritual ripping, can be ripped.  Lycra/polyester isn’t a good idea.  Some knit fabrics are too strong and don’t cut easily.  In Israel the custom is real ripping of the clothing.  Layered outfits are good.  Many women use a safety pin to preserve modesty after the ripping. In Israel it’s not customary to wear black, nor suits to funerals.  We don’t dress up like for a church service.  Yes, black isn’t a Jewish custom.  I once had one of those tragi-comic experiences trying to make the cut in a friend’s outfit.  I was afraid I’d stab her, since the cloth was so strong.  Female mourners shouldn’t wear skirts that will ride up when sitting, not very comfortable or modest.  Long and loose are best, so you don’t have to worry about what shows or keeping your knees together.

Can you give advice to someone who wants to help?

• There should be one person in charge to coordinate. 
• Ask the mourners about food preferences, diet, allergy, kashrut supervision etc.  Do they want a rest break in the middle of the day?  When will bedtime be?  When will pre-Shabbat Mincha and other davening (prayer) times?  At what time to close before Shabbat?
• If the community has an email list, publicize the schedule plus name and number of those who are in charge of food and help. 
• Have a sign up of davening, rest and bedtime on the door. (Leora’s note: One can post the visiting times on the front door – this is what my father did recently when he sat shiva for his brother, and it helped him out a lot).
• Keep a running shopping list and have a person in charge of shopping daily, marking off what has already been bought.  Clarify payment with the family or any charity fund.
• Request that whenever possible food be brought in disposable pans.  It’s a nightmare to return things.  If not disposable, then make sure pans are labeled, meat, dairy, parve and name of owner.
• Make sure the family eats and drinks and takes medicine.  A diabetic friend dropped dead of a heart attack about a week after getting up from sitting shiva for a sister.
• When there are young children, it’s permitted to launder their clothes etc.  Find out what their rabbi says.

We don’t serve the morning minyan. I was horrified when a friend returned from the states after sitting shiva for a parent and discovered that he was supposed to wine and dine the men who showed up in the morning. Halachikly that’s forbidden. Mourners are supposed to be cared for not run restaurant services.

In Israel it’s common to set up outdoor “mourning tents” or shade for extra space. 

If you’re the relative running shiva, like when I ran it for my husband and his sister both times they sat, you can ask for help of the community if needed.  When their mother died, very unexpectedly, the funeral was a Thursday or Friday and I welcomed the community’s offering of food.  There was just too much for me to do to get the house ready for everyone who would be over for Shabbat.  Never be shy about asking for help.  It’s a mitzvah to help a mourner and many people are willing when they know you need some assistance.

Read more about shiva on Batya’s posts on this topic:

• http://shilohmusings.blogspot.com/2008/10/jewish-mourning.html
  Basic rules about Jewish mourning
• http://shilohmusings.blogspot.com/2008/09/getting-up-from-shiva-jewish-mourning.html
  About getting up from shiva – when it is over
• http://shilohmusings.blogspot.com/2008/03/adar-when-everythings-upside-down.html
  About a funeral and shiva for a teenage terror victim – so sad
• http://me-ander.blogspot.com/2010/06/different-shiva-jewish-mourning-customs.html
  A simple Ashkenazi shiva in Jerusalem
• http://me-ander.blogspot.com/2009/09/morning-shift-again.htmlTaking care of a Sephardic family and the custom of Sephardim to make a blessing at a shiva call

•  •  •

Feel free to ask questions in the comments. I will make sure Batya gets the question.

See also How to Pay a Shiva Call: A Guide for non-Jews, non-observant Jews, and anyone else who wants to learn the laws of shiva.

By the way, this is one of the first times that I feel the need to post that I don’t necessarily (um, understatement?) agree with each post but I do try to include every post that is submitted. I feel very strongly that we don’t all have to agree with each other but it’s important to have a community that allows for all perspectives to be shared.

Well said. Though I catch myself wondering which one she doesn’t agree with and why?

And then I remember there’s a reason why I don’t enjoy writing about politics. Reading politics is a necessary evil of life, I am afraid.

How to Pay a Shiva Call: A Guide for non-Jews, non-observant Jews, Jews who need to brush up on the tradition of shiva, and people who find the idea of comforting a mourner a bit scary

I wrote this short guide to paying a shiva call for anyone who wants to visit a friend who is sitting shiva but has no idea what to expect. So this might be for someone who is not Jewish or someone who is Jewish but doesn’t know the traditions. We can all learn more to comfort a mourner, and we can help each other learn as well.

What is shiva? For whom does a Jewish person sit shiva?
Rabbi Maurice Lamm describes shiva as “the seven days following burial … During this time, the mourner emerges from the stage of intense grief to a new state of mind in which he is prepared to talk about his loss and to accept comfort from friends and neighbors.” One sits shiva for a mother, father, sister, brother, son, daughter, husband or wife.

How long is shiva? How can I find out how long my friend is sitting shiva?
Shiva usually lasts for seven days starting from right after the burial, but a holiday can shorten the period of shiva. Mourners do not sit shiva on the Sabbath; however, certain mourning laws still do apply. You should be able to find out the details of the shiva (where and when) by contacting your friend’s synagogue.

What do I do when I get to the door?
Often the door to a shiva home will be unlocked (unless this is impossible for security reasons). Walk in the door, find the room with the mourner(s), and take a seat on an empty chair. The short, close to the ground chairs are for the mourners.

How will my friend look?
Your friend will be wearing clothes with a rip. This is called kriah. A mourner rips one’s clothes at the beginning of the funeral. And the same clothing is worn for the seven days of shiva. Also, your friend will probably not have taken a shower during shiva as well (exceptions sometimes apply).

What do I say?
Listen carefully to what is being said. Let the mourner speak first. One does not ask the mourner, “how are you?” It is OK to encourage the mourner to talk about the deceased relative. You might ask the mourner to show you a picture of their loved one.

Should I bring food?
The short answer is no. If you want to bring something or otherwise help out, ask a friend, a family member not in mourning, a neighbor, or the rabbi if you happen to meet him. If your mourning friend specifically asks you for something, by all means, help out.

How long should I stay?
Some of the books I read suggested twenty minutes. I find it is easiest to leave when there is a break in the conversation.

What is the line I hear people saying to the mourner at the end?
At the end of a shiva call, visitors say to the mourner: “HaMakom yenacheim etchem betoch sha’ar aveiliei Tzion v’Yerushalayim” — May the Almighty comfort you among those who mourn for Zion and Jerusalem.

My suggestion, unless you feel comfortable saying the above expression (sometimes it is written on a piece of paper behind the mourner), is to say something like, May you find comfort. You may also hear people add: simchas, which means happy times (like a wedding or a birth).

Why is there a candle on this post?
The candle is called a yahrzeit candle. Every year on the anniversary of a parent’s death, one lights such a candle. In a shiva house, a longer candle that can burn for seven days is lit.

Comment: this post is written from an Orthodox (modern Orthodox?) perspective. Jewish traditions do vary. Feel free to comment on your experiences with shiva.

For more information:

• Aish: one page primer on Practical Guide to Paying a Shiva Call
• Aish: 15 Lessons from Shiva
• Aish: Shiva and Mourning by Rabbi Maurice Lamm

Books and pamphlets:

• The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning, by Rabbi Maurice Lamm
• The Mourner’s Companion by Rabbi Reuven Drucker (this seems to be out-of-print, but he is a rabbi in Highland Park, so I want to include his book).
• Handbook for the Jewish Mourner, by Rabbi Bernhard Rosenberg (available at the Highland Park Public Library)
• See also chapters on mourning in To Be a Jew by Hayim Halevy Donin and How to Run a Traditional Jewish Household by Blu Greenberg

Future posts on shiva may include: what to discuss at a shiva call. How to run or help out with a shiva house.

Unicyclist waves Israeli Flag at Salute to Israel Parade 2010

A belated thank you to Dan Illouz for posting on Haveil Havalim #267 my Jews for Cheeses: Dairy on Shavuot.