Leora’s note: I was introduced to Pearl through our mutual friend, Miriam Isserow. Pearl graciously agreed to answer questions about her new coaching initiative called Watershed Moments.

What is a watershed moment?
Watershed moments are transitional times in our life and the life of our family. Some Watershed moments are life cycle events whose importance is validated by our religious traditions or culture. Births, deaths, bar/t mitzvahs, weddings, holidays and graduations. And some are life phases or transitions that we sense are important but often lack a structure in which to ritualize our experience like gaining or losing a job, divorce, the prospect of an empty nest or leaving our family home. The tricky bit is that for most of us, we are inextricably bound with family and friends from our past and present, and it is in a communal or family context that we experience these watershed moments. If we are to find meaning and joy in them we need to be talking with our families and friends. We need to get clearer about what we want and we need help in negotiating the sometimes choppy waters of competing needs and priorities. Waters that may already be contaminated with a history of miscommunication and hurt feelings.

How did you connect with Judy Elkin your co-coach on the website?
Judy and I have actually been friends since 1985. And I credit Judy with introducing me to the coaching profession. Judy and I trained and were certified together in systems coaching at CRRGlobal. Our certification program required a project that would take our work out into the world in transformative ways. As we talked together we realized that we shared a deep commitment to family. In time our conversations evolved into what has become Watershed Moments. Judy and I have partnered on every aspect of the work. We are a powerful duo and most importantly we love collaborating. There is a lot of laughter and joy in our work.

What made you decide to do a separate website for the project? How are you marketing the project? Do you use social media? Have you considered setting up a Facebook page?
Judy and I each have our own successful coaching practice with our own websites. And we wanted to clearly mark the collaborative partnership of Watershed Moments. Luckily, Judy’s cousin offered to help us design our website. We were able to create our own brand. Conversations about the website design and content helped us to clarify what we were really hoping to do. Our logo for example, includes a distinctive circle which symbolizes the cyclical nature of a life, and of life cycle events. The colors are earth tones and this speaks to an aspiration we have for our clients- to approach their watershed moments with a grounded peaceful presence. The waves between the words evoke the “water” element in watershed. We believe that watershed moments are experienced in relationship and relationships are a river with calm spots, rapids and are always changing and moving.

Marketing? What marketing…. Actually, we have held off on actively marketing the project for now. Almost all our effort has gone into the creation of an ebook which we hope to launch in the fall. The book is intended for people who want to start talking with their family about an upcoming WM and are not sure how to get started. We probably will get serious about marketing WM as we begin to plan to market the ebook.

How does a coach differ from a therapist? Why would someone choose one over the other?
It is a great question, and the answer is not so clear. We share many overlapping approaches. Perhaps the best quote I heard in response to this is one Judy called to my attention from Dr. Carol Kauffman, Director of the Coaching and Positive Psychology Initiative who writes, “As a therapist, I follow the trail of tears with a goal of healing, as a coach I follow the trail of dreams with a goal of optimal functioning.” There is probably much more to be said here but I would point to one other important distinction: as coaches we do not operate on a medical model of pathology. That is we view our clients as creative and resourceful and fully able. We are not Pollyanna’s but we keep a strong focus on the possible. Having said that, we do not in any way shy away from deep and even painful emotions. There is nothing pathological about the need to be present to our feelings.

With respect to watershed moments in particular, if you want to explore more of the origins of an existing conflict around the event – then you may want a therapist. However, if you are more motivated by the question of how than why you probably could benefit from a coach. And most of us are trained to counsel you toward therapy if that is in fact what you need.

Do you only work with family systems or can individuals come to you too?
We can work with individuals absolutely. We can work with you to clarify what you want for your watershed moment and we can coach you to have some of the conversations that might support you to make it a reality. However, our first approach will be to encourage and support you to bring some of your significant others into the process. There is tremendous power in helping a couple or a family system hear each other, listen for understanding and move toward alignment on behalf of shared values.

What if a family member objects to another receiving coaching? What would you suggest?
It is certainly possible to imagine this scenario. Your spouse might worry about having to change or “give in” as a result of this work. Your family might have a culture of privacy or just getting through whatever it is. Your siblings might be worried about opening up a Pandora’s box.

Perhaps one key strategy is to start asking the questions and listening so that you can understand what is really at stake for your family member. Most of us, when we feel truly heard, unclench and can begin to turn towards the other. You may need to ask lots of questions to get to the heart of the matter. A pair of questions we really like to ask is, “What is your low dream or worst case scenario? What is your high dream or best case scenario? What would contribute to your high dream? What would contribute to your low dream?” A note of caution: If you ask questions like Perry Mason in the courtroom, you will probably be met with defensiveness. Try to ask questions with an open curiosity. No matter how well you think you know your family member, stay open to being surprised. We should say that ultimately if the family system is not ready for coaching- it’s not ready.

I could have enjoyed my son’s bar-mitzvahs more than I did. How do you suggest I plan for my daughter’s bat mitzvah to enjoy it more?
First I would want to understand more about what got in the way of your enjoyment at your son’s bar mitzvahs. What were you focused on? What role did you play? How much were you worried about making everyone else happy? When it comes to planning for a watershed moment, our view is, while tedious, we trust you to manage the to-do list. What often gets neglected is planning for the internal dimension. Considering questions like, ‘What is important to you about this moment?’ ‘How do you want it to feel as you move through your to-do list?’ What do you want to feel proud of when it is over? What memories do you want to create?’ Dreaming a little bit about these questions together with your daughter is a watershed moment all its own.

Here is an interesting strategy to try…imagine that a documentary filmmaker is going to accompany you and your family through the process of preparing for and enacting the bat mitzvah. What is the background music that would convey the tone of what is happening? What are the images you would want to capture? A casual hug as you study a text together? Smiles of encouragement? Different family members pitching in to help at different times? Whatever images you come up with is the first step toward planning for these moments. What will enable me to be present enough to smile? What will draw my family members closer through the planning? If this is useful to you, there are many more strategies available in our upcoming eBook.

I find myself yelling at my kids at certain times of the week (say, before Shabbat or trying to get one of them in particular to go to shul) would your coaching be able to help?
What you describe is probably very distant from the way you would like it to be, right? The coaching process could help you to get clearer about your own triggers and support you in taking steps to ease and manage your own stress leading into Shabbat. It might involve surfacing some deeply held beliefs about they way “it should be”. Additionally, we could guide you to have constructive conversations with your kids that help create a vision of the possible for all of you. IF this sounds a little vague that is because there is one thing coaching is not: prescriptive. We don’t come with a list of do’s and don’ts. Our work is all about helping you make conscious and intentional choices that are aligned with your own values-not ours!

Thank you so much, Pearl! Look forward to reader reactions. And by the way, concerning marketing… this interview is a start! Good luck with the ebook.

1. Are you reading or have you read any good books? Care to share?
   I’m reading The River Midnight by Lilian Nattel; I found it buried in a stack of books at the Highland Park Public Library book sale on Sunday. It’s a novel about women in a shtetl in Poland: one in particular who has not been able to have children and her friend and neighbor who has many, more than she can handle.
2. When you think of a photo from any blog other than your own, which photo first comes to mind?
   I had in mind one post of an old house by EG Wow, but somehow I landed on this house by Lake Ontario.
3. Can you name any recipe from a blog other than your own that influenced your cooking or baking?
   It would have to be Batya’s cake recipe (from 2005!) – she no longer talks about cake. Last year she talked a lot about diets, and this year she has been posting about simple cooking.
4. If you are a lurker (someone who reads this blog but rarely or never comments), will you delurk and say hello?

By the way, my daughter danced with a different teacher tonight, and it went well. So we probably have a new dance studio for her for September. And if you haven’t yet visited my free postcard giveaway post, you still have a few days left to join just by leaving a comment on that post.

For more reddish thoughts and images, visit Ruby Tuesday:

Yesterday I went to a lovely party. Some child had taken a whole plate of fancy chocolate candies and had nibbled exactly one bite out of each one. My friend the hostess was not amused. She considered putting up a sign: for adults only. I said maybe the parent should eat the candy if the child wants to try. Of course, then my daughter took one bite of a chocolate covered marshmallow candy without realizing it was marshmallow, and I had no interest in eating it. What do you think?

I loved this: do you hear in your house – “Are you going to put that on the blog?“

RivkA over at Coffee and Chemo is now very sick. She has people all over the world praying for her. Risa dedicated Haveil Havalim to her today.

In our own community of Highland Park, we have been praying for a baby who needs to undergo chemotherapy. And for a friend of my daughter’s who has also been receiving treatments. Oh, Cancer, when will you stop?!!!

In our Sephardi synagogue of Etz Ahaim, there are 4 sets of misheberach prayers – one for deceased men, one for deceased women, one for sick men, and one for sick women. When you say the name to the rabbi of the person who is sick, it is preferable to say their Hebrew name followed by ben (son of) or bat (daughter of) and then their mother’s name. But if you don’t know it, you can just say their English name.

Years ago someone I know well said in a cynical manner, what is the point of getting together to say tehillim (Psalms) when a person is so deathly ill that you know (how do you know? when my mother was dying, my father’s cousin told me she had certain body signs – but do you know???) they are not going to recover? I didn’t respond at the time, but isn’t it better to have a hope and a prayer than nothing? One can also feel a part of a group praying and hoping and not alone in one’s fear. But the rationalist may have problems with so much prayer, I will at least grant the person that.

Praying for RivkA bat Teirtzel.

This shot was taken from the top of the Washington Monument, looking down on the museum. There is an exhibit in the museum called “The Story of Daniel.” It is billed as being for children; I walked through it before I took my eight-year-old daughter, and I thought, this isn’t that scary. However, when I took my daughter, I felt differently. I could feel her fear and discomfort. She said she liked one of the early parts of the exhibit, a scene that showed a kitchen where Daniel, his sister and his mother baked cookies and a fancy cake, to be her favorite part. Perhaps because life was still normal for Daniel. His sister and mother were later killed at Auschwitz. The exhibit showed how bit by bit he was no longer allowed to swim in the municipal pool or even play in the park because he was a Jew. “Did you ever get blamed for something you didn’t do?” the exhibit asked. “We were.”

The exhibit showed little of the concentration camp; it mostly said it was horrible, horrible. One woman asked her friend how did the men (Daniel and his father survived Auschwitz) survive if the women did not? I offered that perhaps the men were taken to work, whereas the women were taken immediately to the crematorium. It was interesting to engage others that I had just met in a discussion. One mentioned the movie “Life is Beautiful,” and I suggested “Schindler’s List.”

As this wall states, everyone who comes to the museum can be a witness to the atrocity and tragedy of the Holocaust.

I would have liked to have seen this exhibit or presentation: “From Memory to Action: Meeting the Challenge of Genocide.” The museum staff, however, said that presentation was not happening the day of our visit. We also saw an exhibit on Nazi propaganda. A woman said to one of the museum staffers: “Don’t you think we live in an age of propaganda?” I am not sure what she meant, but I think we live in an age of information overload. What do you think?

If you are interested in kosher food in Washington, D.C., there are four packaged foods at the Holocaust cafe: tuna on a white roll, sesame noodles, salad, and beans and brown rice in a wrap. I thought the beans/rice in wrap delicious, the sesame noodles tasty, and my middle son was willing to eat the roll of the tuna sandwich (my husband ate the tuna). My eldest son refused all the food. He preferred Eli’s Restaurant.

We did not get a chance to see all the exhibits at the museum; I thought my daughter had had enough, and my eldest son was hungry. So we will have to see more on a future visit. If you have been to the museum, I would love to hear your feedback on what you found effective and well-presented.

I was pleased to read the other comments left on this post. It is a difficult and important topic, and I’m glad at least a few people feel comfortable discussing it.

If you have any comments or suggestions on this topic, please leave a comment, either on the Rebbetzin’s husband’s post or on this blog (or both). Thanks.

1. Read the magazines and newspapers left out on the table for jurors to read.
2. Make conversation by the coffee machine. “Is the coffee any good?” I asked someone. I had already read everything I had brought, and I was just trying to strike up conversation.
3. Read books that you brought. Of course, you came prepared with plenty of reading material, right?
4. Daydream.
5. Plan your next vacation. If you don’t have money or time to take a real vacation, plan what you will cook for dinner.
6. People watch: lots of different kinds of people show up at the Middlesex County Courthouse in New Brunswick, New Jersey.
7. Think about what you might photograph if you were in a place that was worth photographing (unless you were doing a piece on urban depressing sights, I don’t think this room would be appropriate. And I doubt taking pictures of jurors is legal, anyway).
8. Stretch. Do some neck rolls. Move your legs around. Walk around the room.
9. Draw.
10. Write a blog post on ten things to do while waiting at jury duty.

Here’s what I didn’t see on my day yesterday – a view of New Brunswick from the Highland Park side, Raritan River all sparkly, photographed in Fall 2008:

What bothered me in particular about this was that my paternal grandfather sold eggs in the Depression! That was how he supported his family of seven (five children). He would venture out to the egg farms in New Jersey and bring them back to Brooklyn to sell. My father said at some point he helped with the accounting; at the end of each month, my grandfather would have no money left and need to start a new. There was never any savings, but at least they had food to eat.

What was your family doing in the 1930′s?

Update: See Risa’s post about her grandfather who had a store in Brooklyn.