Yechiel Wenger, 1929 – 2012
Jewish tradition has many laws and customs regarding death, including lines to say to people who have just lost a parent, child, sister, brother or spouse.
When you first hear that someone has died, the line to say is (not necessarily to the mourner, just when you hear the news in general):
Baruḥ Dayan HaEmet
Blessed is the True Judge
When someone is sitting shiva, the seven day period after burial, you say:
המקום ינחם אתכם בתוך שאר אבלי ציון וירושלים
HaMakom Yenaḥem Etḥem BeToḥ Shaar Avlai Zion V’Yerushalayim
May you be comforted among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem
My uncle (who is a very learned rabbi) told us that for the whole first month of mourning one says “etḥem” – the plural of you, and not “ohtaḥ” or “ohtḥa,” the singular for female or male. My cousin (his son, not a rabbi but also quite learned) told me a few days later that he says “ohtaḥ” or “ohtḥa” as if referring to the singular female or male. My aunt (wife of the uncle and mother of the son) says her son is following the German custom, and her husband’s way of reciting the phrase is for everyone else. More on this topic if I figure out more.
If you are Sephardi, instead of the HaMakom line you say to the mourner:
Tenaḥamu Min HaShamayim
May you be comforted from the heavens
If I am talking to someone who is not Jewish who has experienced a loss, I say in short:
May you be comforted.
If you have difficulty with any of these Hebrew phrases, just say them in English. Or say May You be Comforted.
*Note: instead of writing ch, I write h with a dot under it: ḥ
Learn more:
- Chabad has a nice introduction to shiva and the year of mourning for a parent
- How to Pay a Shiva Call: A Guide for non-Jews, non-observant Jews, and anyone else who wants to learn the laws of shiva.
HaMakom yenachem….
Thank you, Batya.
What a lovely post…and tribute.
HaMakom yenachem…Yerushalayim.
This is a lovely post and tribute..I will come back to read the links when I am more awake…I like “May you be comforted”….hugs..
What a beautiful tribute Leora! I am sure it will also proved to be a useful post.
May the Makom console you among the mourners of Tzion and Yerushalayim, and may your father’s memory be blessed.
I hope that next time, we will be privileged to meet on a happy occasion.
HaMakon yenachem . . . What a wonderful tribute.
HaMakom Yenachem…
Hello Leora: First, let me extend my sympathies for the loss of your father. Writing about a loss can definitely be cathartic and help us work through the grief.
And thank you for sharing some insights into the Jewish protocols when it comes to loss and mourning.
Thank you for your kind words. It was a difficult period. I found it difficult to share online, and many of my family members are quite private, so I only say a little here.
My sympathies to you and your family, Leora. May all of you be comforted during this time.
Thanks, Adeline.
This always gets me no matter what. Lost my dad too, just before I turned 21. He was all I had. My sympathy goes out to you. I know this must have been a very difficult time for you. HaMakom yenachem!
Wow, 21 is quite young to lose all you have as family. Certainly not old enough to have a family of your own. I lost my mother in my thirties; this time, however, when I lost my father, I have my daughter who is named after my mother to hug. I told her I need many, many hugs.
Dear Leora,
Hugs from across the seas. I am sad to hear of your loss and may god grant you the strength to bear this pain.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us Leora. I’m really sorry to hear of your loss. I hope writing this post was in some small way cathartic for you.
HaMakon yenachem
I am so sorry for your loss. My dad is not longer with us and I still miss him. Thank you for how to respond. “May you be comforted” my friend. 🙂